2000

Hello again!

Didn't I just finish last year's letter? It certainly seems like it. Oh well, I might as well get started. But first, we need to set up some rules. Actually, what needs to be done is to put an unwritten rule into writing. I was still getting cards from you people 2 weeks after Christmas! Although I know that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I have worked years perfecting the January (and sometimes February) Christmas card. Trust me, it's not something you can just wander into willy-nilly. It is not for amateurs. I am a trained professional procrastinator with years of experience. I know the risks and am willing to accept them. I suggest that you just mail your cards out the first couple of weeks of December like you used to do and be ready to enjoy mine sometime during the early part of the next year. OK?

I've decided to do something a little different this year. I know that you always save these letters, with the hope of passing them down so the next generation can cherish and enjoy them. But just so your great-grandchildren can put this year in the life of the Willis family into historical perspective, I will start each month with an important headline from the Weekly World News. If at all possible, I will also include a photo. As an example, when little Johnny reads, "THAT 70's SHOW hunk wrestles a berserk ostrich", he will of course know that I started to write this letter in early January of 2001. Now we start.

JANUARY

SEX-CRAZED CHIMPS ATTACK FEMALE LAB ASSISTANT DURING EXPERIMENTS WITH A VIAGRA SUBSTITUTE!

GENEVA, Switzerland -- Research on a new Viagra substitute backfired when 36 lab chimps being used to test the product went berserk -- and attacked a female lab assistant!

The year started off fine. Emily had a group of girls over for a New Years Eve sleepover. I figured that since the world was going to end anyway, with the Y2K thing and all, it just made sense. The world ending wouldn't seem all that bad compared to spending the evening with a bunch of 12-year-old girls. The next thing on the calendar is the first Tuesday of the month Church Board Meeting. This was my first meeting as Board Chairman. I only agreed to take the job because I thought the world was going to end before the first meeting. Because of some real high scores on some other tests, Emily was given the opportunity to take the SATs. On a cold Saturday, I dropped her off at Butler University for a day of filling in circles with a #2 pencil. She did really well for a sixth grader. She's not ready for college yet, but she could get in if she could hit a jump shot. Emily turned 12 on the 29th. Remember that pony I mentioned in last year's letter? Well, she didn't get it this year either. There are all sorts of soccer things on the calendar also, but I will try not to mention them unless something really exciting happened.

FEBRUARY

MIRACLE DONKEY HEALING SICK IN JERUSALEM

JERUSALEM -- DNA scientists have confirmed that the so-called"Miracle Donkey" that has been making headlines here for months really is a direct descendant of a donkey Jesus rode nearly 2,000 years ago!

Not a lot of excitement here in February, at least compared to Jerusalem anyway. Sarabeth and I went to the Valentine's Father / Daughter Girl Scout Square Dance. Now this is a real fun event that consists primarily of holding your daughter's hand, dancing around like an idiot and running into other Father / Daughter combinations. While this is going on, some guy that is really dressed funny is yelling directions to us, in a language that he obviously is making up as he goes. "Do-si-do" is NOT a real word! And all the time, this horrible music is blasting in the background. We all end up giggling so hard after we realize how stupid we must look playing this musical version of bumper cars, dragging our little girls behind us, that we usually end up rolling on the floor. But our little angels get all dressed up and we get our pictures taken with a Polaroid camera, so we can take it home and show mom and then put it on the refrigerator. I wouldn't miss it for the world!

MARCH

FIRST EVER SPACE ALIEN SUICIDE!

ROSWELL, N.M. -- In one of the most bizarre tragedies ever, a despondent space alien stepped out of a flying saucer -- and leapt more than 600 feet to his death!

This is the month that the girls start their 4-week spring break. You do remember that they go to the year-round school, don't you? Well, we certainly crammed a lot into those 4 weeks. Anyway, we started the break with a soccer tournament in Evansville, IN. We will never play another soccer tournament in Evansville. Let's just leave it at that, shall we? The big highlight of the weekend was celebrating Sarabeth's 7th birthday on the 18th, so at least someone had fun. We got back to town Sunday afternoon and left for Las Vegas the next morning. Remember, I told you in last year's letter that I was going to take the family to Las Vegas. It was chilly when we got there…no wait a minute, it was cold and the one thing that Sara wanted to do was go swimming. That's all we heard everyday. The last day there it was warm enough to go to the pool. It was not warm enough to get in, just warm enough to sit around it and look at the water. Of course that was not good enough for Sarabeth, who insisted that dad get in the water with her. Now as I was wondering how come this was a father's job and not a mother's job, it occurred to me that I should probably get in with her so that I didn't cause some sort of mental angst in her that could someday ruin the joy that we all find deep down in our hearts when we come to a place where we can loose our life savings in 27 hours. Anyway, we got in the pool. I promptly screamed and jumped out as Sara splashed around for 10 minutes like a typical polar bear cub. A small crowd gathered to giggle at her, but she just giggled back and turned blue. During the week we did almost all the tourist things. In 4 days, I think we saw the pirate show at Treasure Island at least 12 times. And lucky us, we could then scurry over to the Mirage and watch the volcano erupt! We went to the dam one day but mostly just wandered around the strip, looking a lot like the Clampetts. On our last night there, Jane and I actually went into one of the casinos and lost $20 each. Our way of paying for the free pirate shows. The day we got back to Indy, Emily flew off to Florida with a friend for a week. I think everyone had a good spring break.

APRIL

TOOTHLESS VAMPIRE FORCED TO RAID BLOOD BANKS!

LOS ANGELES -- A vampire who lost one of his fangs to gum disease was caught stealing blood from a clinic here three short months after police charged him with the same crime in San Francisco!

I can't say much about April. The calendar is full, but nothing worth writing about. Tons of soccer and church meetings and stuff. Besides, I'm too tired to write after spending so much energy on that one sentence back in March. You should have seen all the squiggly green lines that MS Word used on that puppy!

MAY

HAUNTED TOILET CLAIMS THIRD PLUMBER IN EIGHT YEARS!

BROOKLYN, N.Y. -- The disappearance of a third plumber fixing the same toilet in the same apartment building within eight years has reawakened fears that the commode is haunted!

This month is a whole lot like the last one, just warmer. Soccer is in full swing for both girls. Emily either had an Honors Program at school on the 11th, or maybe it was a Horror Program. I can't read Jane's handwriting. Of course, we had the race and everything that goes along with it. We went downtown and watched the 500 Festival Parade. This was the first real parade that I had ever seen in-person and my only question is "Why?" I saw the world's only 26-man bicycle, ridden by 26 old fat Shriners that were actually proud that they could accomplish this feat. I'll bet they even sent pictures of themselves on the bike in their Christmas cards this year. I can only guess that when they were young, their parents, probably the dad, didn't take them swimming on vacation. I doubt I'll go to next year's parade.

JUNE

IS ELVIS REALLY ALIVE?

NEW DNA TEST ON CORPSE BURIED IN GRACELAND GRAVE PROVES IT ISN'T PRESLEY, SAYS NEW REPORT

We started this month with a soccer tournament in West Lafayette, IN. The girls won the whole thing, which was cause for a great celebration. It is much more fun to drive home after winning your last game. The girls then had try-outs for the next season's team during that week. It was an emotionally draining week. Girls were scattering everywhere, and it was our first real taste of soccer politics, and it tasted nasty. They had another tourney that weekend and got killed. In the middle of all that, I took my annual business trip to Columbus, OH. Spent time at my big sister's house and just realized that I haven't called her "my big sister" in maybe 30 years. In case you're wondering, they still haven't fixed any of the roads in Columbus that I complained about in last year's letter. The city will continue to receive my wrath until you can actually average at least 45mph on the interstates for maybe 2 or 3 miles at a time. The girls finally got out of school at the end of the month and there was no soccer for a few weeks. And it was good.

JULY

MOONING JET-SKIER CHARGED IN BOATING ACCIDENT!

MELBOURNE, Australia -- In a freak accident, three female boaters were seriously injured when they lost control of their speedboat and plowed into rocks - - after they became distracted by a rowdy jet skier who was mooning them!

The first thing I see on the calendar is that the new HARRY POTTER book was released on the 8th. We had a really quiet few days as Emily sat and read all 750 or so pages. I wish the book had been longer. The kids went to sports camp, I went to work, and Jane went to Orlando for 5 days for a big Nursing Conference. She did a really impressive presentation, which went real well, but made the few days before she left a bit hectic. That's why I decided that the girls and I deserved to eat out every night that she was gone. It was also during this time that we started the remodeling of our kitchen. "We started" may be a little misleading. All we really did was sign the contract and empty our savings account. The nice thing about it was how it stretched our summer vacation. This two-week project actually seemed like 4 weeks! I guess that's because it was 4 weeks! We did get to know 2 really nice construction workers though. Rocky still misses them. At the end of the month, we went to northern Ohio for the MSPA golf outing so that I could win another trophy. It was a tough course. The competition was fierce! But as you can tell from the photo…… I got to touch it. I did not win anything this year. The truth is that I am President of this organization, and this is a picture of me giving the trophy to Herb, the real winner. Please don't tell anyone else. I have this photo in my office and am getting a lot of mileage from it.

AUGUST

WORLD'S BRAVEST MOM DELIVERS HER OWN BABY BY C-SECTION -- USING A PIZZA CUTTER

ALICE SPRINGS, Australia -- Expectant mom Kate Shirewood didn't panic when she found herself pinned in an overturned pizza delivery truck in the remote Australian outback, even after two days of agonizing labor. The gutsy 35-year-old artist delivered her own baby by cesarean section -- using a pizza cutter!

The girls are back in school, soccer is starting back up, and I had an out of body experience. Or maybe not, but it was weird whatever it was. Let me set the scene for you. Church softball game on a Sunday afternoon. Now let me explain to some of you, and remind the rest, I used to be a pretty good softball player. I played in 2 or 3 leagues every summer and really enjoyed it. But that was a long time ago. I am at the point now that I realize that it really is just a game. This was easy to figure out when my body pointed out to me that it was not 18 years old anymore and refused to behave in such a manner. I went from short stop to first base, were I didn't have to run or throw very often. Anyway, we are playing, and it is the top of the 7th. We are tied, with 1 out and runners on 2nd and 3rd. Their heavy hitter is up, you know, the guy that has never been to church in his life but can hit the softball so far that the church Elders have promised him a place in heaven if he will just play for their team. Anyway, the heathen slams a line drive between 1st and 2nd base. Then it happened. I hear the sound of the bat hitting the ball. The next thing a remember is that I am stretched out in mid-air, parallel to the ground, and 3 feet above it with the ball in my glove. I don't know how I got there. I never remember thinking, "Dive for it!" I was just there. I was suspended in mid-air, just like Wiley Coyote after he runs off a cliff, before he looks down! My 18-year-old mind had ordered my 45-year-old body to do something and for once, it listened. Much like the coyote, I looked down, fell to the ground with a loud thud, then doubled the runner off at second. We scored in the bottom of the seventh and won. It was so sweet! Well worth a paragraph in my Christmas letter.

SEPTEMBER

SPACE ALIEN BACKS BUSH FOR PRESIDENT!

WASHINGTON -- In a surprise move that has astonished political pundits, the space alien that endorsed Bill Clinton in 1992 has switched party allegiance and is backing GOP Presidential contender George W. Bush!

Big soccer month, but that's about it. Emily and Sarabeth's teams both go undefeated for the season. The girls really had fun, and so did Jane and I. The other parents are now good friends, and we get to visit exotic locales, such as Terre Haute and Seymour, IN. What more could you ask for?

OCTOBER

FACE OF SATAN PHOTOGRAPHED OVER U.S. CAPITOL!

WASHINGTON -- Intelligence agents testing a hand-held version of the ultra-sensitive thermographic "heat" cameras that are generally found on spy satellites photographed the hideously evil Face of Satan hovering over our nation's Capitol on October 17 -- and horrifyingly, the crackling, billowing, lightning-streaked image has remained there ever since.

This was a good month. Something fun every weekend. We started it with the church hayride. It was pretty typical, in that I am still finding stray hay nearly every day, which in a way is fun to say. Can you tell I've been writing this letter for a while? Anyway, the next weekend was the 2nd Annual IU Custodial II Club Reunion. It was great. A bunch of old janitors sitting around drinking beer and talking about the good old days, which consisted mostly of sitting around drinking beer and talking about the future. Odd huh? The next weekend was a soccer game in Terre Haute in the afternoon and wandering through a maze cut out of a cornfield that night in Lebanon. Only in Indiana folks. A week later we headed to the cabin in Brown County. Stayed a few days, then went back to Indy for Halloween so the girls could Trick-or-Treat, Then back to the cabin for a few days. Wait a minute, we're into November now.

NOVEMBER

WOMAN LAYS REAL EGGS!

BREMEN, Germany -- Psychiatric patient Vanda Steich believes she's a duck -- and is astounding scientists by laying real eggs!

We left the cabin in the woods, and I left the girls. I flew to New Orleans for a screen print show. Spent a few days there. It's a nice city I guess, but it's no Terre Haute. I did my civic duty and voted. That evening, I was asked what I thought about the election. I mentioned that mostly, I was just glad it was over. That statement came back to haunt me. This was your basic November. Not much going on, at least nothing to put in a Christmas letter. We ran down to Cincinnati for Thanksgiving. It was a good time, but nothing to warrant more than the 2 sentences I just wrote.

DECEMBER

LOCH NESS MONSTER CAPTURED . . . then has baby

On December 22, a daring team of scientists from seven nations electrified the world when they captured the most elusive creature known to man -- the legendary Loch Ness Monster!

Finally, the month I wait for all year long. It seems we spent most of our time at church. We had to decorate the church for the season. We had dinners and program rehearsals and play practice. Everything building up to the big event. And somewhere in between we found a little time for some shopping. We went to Louisville for the big Willis family Christmas the Saturday before the 25th. Everyone was there, all 19 of us. 19 people that all love each other and enjoy being around each other. I wish I could share that feeling with everyone in the world. We rushed back to Indy for our own smaller Willis family Christmas. I had a part in this year’s Christmas Eve service. As I read the final lines of the play, a message from God explaining Christmas to His angels, I figured it out. It hit me right upside the head! You know that feeling that I wanted to share with the rest of the world? I know where it is readily available. I hope your Holiday Season hit you right upside the head.

It's been another good year for us. Hope the same is true for you. Once again, I leave you with an open invitation to call, e-mail, or stop by when you're in the area. We love hearing from our friends. If we don't make connections during the year, plan on hearing from us next January…or maybe February.

Wayne, Jane, Emily and Sarabeth

317-299-6764 wwillis@excelgraphics.org jwillis@clarian.com excelwcw@aol.com